To Kill a Love
by aLittleOblivion
Summary: What happens when you have killed the one person who matters more than anything in your life? The memories. What is life for you after? A retelling/reworking of the relationship between Kira Yamato and Athrun Zala. mxm
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: The usual. I do not own any right to Gundam Seed or the characters therein. Obviously, if I did, Kira and Athrun would have been a couple. Support the great original work from Sunrise. The following is purely an act of my own literary mind drawing from the story and characters Sunrise portrays.

* * *

Kira Yamato shot up in a foreign world. Surrounded by soft, plush virgin white sheets, his chest thundered. Squeezing his eyes tight, ragged breaths scraped past his teeth.

"Kira!"

Kira cringed, his fists balling tighter in the whiteness, knuckles turning the same. Though his eyes opened, a dam of water blurred his world. His lean and hard toned body was weak with wracking shakes beneath the white bandages. White. Everything was white. But Kira only saw red.

Lacus Clyne's eyes saddened. Even the briefest happiness from the boy waking was gone. She sighed inwardly. Just looking at the broken boy was enough to constrict her chest. Mr. Pink plopped into her lap, her fingers mindlessly petting its cool metal head.

When Kira's eyes finally drifted to hers, the iron bars binding her chest tightened further. Gone was the spark she saw in them. The beautiful amethysts that shone with intelligence and unrestrained passion. Dark and rich, now drained hollow. They wavered a dull empty lavender behind a wall of tears.

"Athrun."

Forcing a thin smile, she threw her arms around Kira. Mr. Pink bounced off back to his brothers and sisters. "You can cry, Kira. It's okay to cry."

"But, I said . . . I'd . . . never . . cry again." Even as the words choked out, the levies broke and he buried his face in the enveloping pink hair blocking out the world. Quakes continued to tear apart his frame.

"Athrun." A sudden explosion filled his mind. He saw the Aegis. He saw Athrun. Just before the world shattered, he saw him. Their eyes locked. Those beautiful green eyes among the flames.

Kira choked, his eyes screwing shut again. Bitter tears poured down his cheeks, soaking the bandages.

* * *

"Athrun!"

"Kira!"

Shaking his head, Kira tried to clear his thoughts. There, among the blackness of an empty universe, they came together. Damn, the confines of that flight suit. It surrounded him in a claustrophobia-inducing embrace. But more than that, his chest tightened while his fingers danced over the Strike's controls. There among the empty blackness was Athrun. The Aegis. Its blood red frame hurtled forward, plasma burning from open compartments. It trailed behind, a sickly trail in the vacuum.

His enemy.

"Kira!"

Jarred, he drove the thrusters forward, sending him head first toward his enemy. His friend. Why? He blinked, tears forming dancing spheres in his helmet. Though he drove the thrusters further, the tears, splashing against his face.

The two mobile suit frames collided, throwing Kira forward in his seat, only to be stopped by the biting embrace of the three-point harness digging into his shoulders and waist. Jerking the arms of the Strike, Kira fought to gain leverage against the Aegis. Spiraling in the nothingness, automatic thrusters continually ignited, adjusting and syncing their paths. Every time one drew away enough to strike, the other would adjust their distance. It was in this silent dance that Kira spun through space with his best friend.

His friends. The Archangel. He felt the world slide away. His heart seemed to still, breaths growing cool. In the screens he saw nothing. He saw everything. No thought crossed his glacial mind as his hands darted like snakes set upon a kill. The beam sword ripped through the phase-shift armor of the Aegis, shearing the outer layers of its hide in a single slice.

Somehow, he could hear Athrun, when he growled like a wolf in the night. The shining pointed end of his shield cleaved off the Strike's arm.

But the other drew the Armur Schneider knife at its waist and drove it into the red gundam's chest. Kira felt nothing as he dragged the semi-truck sized dagger down and exposed the Aegis' cockpit to the emptiness of space.

Thrusters ignited, and the Aegis' now free hand crumpled with a short strong-armed jab into the Strike's sternum. Kira's screens exploded, the walls collapsing in toward him. At the edges of the bowl, Kira glanced at the leaking atmosphere.

Then it all stopped. In a split second, the ferocious battle ceased, the two giant gundams entwined, circling small in the vast nothingness. Kira grunted, jerking his controls. Nothing responded. But then, his helmeted head clacked against the sidewall of his cockpit with an explosion along one of the gundams, which sent the two hurtling, dead in space. Kira's vision flashed.

All went black.

* * *

Athrun groaned, flicking the release near his belly and welcomed the weightlessness. Finally, they had stopped. He shook his head rapidly, fighting to clear it. No luck. Grumbling, his hand wrapped the grip of his standard ZAFT issued pistol. Shimmying through the gaping wound opening his cockpit to the world outside, Athrun gripped a ragged edge of metal and steadied himself.

It was all dark. Squinting, he could barely make out a far wall. Sighing, he nodded to himself. They had crashed into an abandoned colony fragment. He knew the failure of the O2-lines had exploded with the plasma, sending them on a one-way trip at bone-jarring speed into the debris belt. Letting out another breath, he allowed a small smirk. Even with all the shit humans had left floating around Earth on their quest to live among the stars, Athrun couldn't believe his luck. It had to be a one in a hundred thousand chance that they'd actually hit something in that belt.

If not, they would've enjoyed a flash roast in the Earth's atmosphere. Without the phase-shift armor, and even with it, in the state the two gundams were in, they would never have made it to the ground. And to crash into a colony fragment. With any hope, there were emergency sections sealed and ready to hold atmosphere.

But - Athrun shook his head again - that would have to wait. Gripping the gun tighter, he kicked off from the Aegis, a beeline to the Strike through the empty air ten meters off the floor. Grabbing a handle outside the Strike's cockpit, Athrun righted himself. The pistol at the ready, he tried his best to calm his racing heart as he leaned in slowly to peek through one of the cracks the Aegis' fist had caused.

His eyes shot wide. Kira was slumped over in his seat, arms floating like a marionette on hidden wires. Only the restraining belt kept the unconscious boy there.

A chill shot up Athrun's spine, "Kira!" The boy didn't so much as twitch. Cursing, Athrun jammed his fist into the emergency release. Nothing. Stealing another look through the crack, Athrun's eyes started to burn. Please. Please, don't be dead. He banged helplessly on the ruined cockpit shell. Whipping his head back and forth, Athrun clenched his teeth. Please.

Gripping the jagged lip of the ragged scar, Athrun growled, pulling with all the strength his muscles would lend. He glanced at the gun still tight in his fist. With dispassionate eyes, he threw it into the empty air. Bringing both his hands back, he latched onto the handle. Fitting the heels of his flight suit boots into the opening, Athrun begged his body to give just a little bit more. What was the point of being a coordinator if his strength couldn't even get him to his friend?

Finally, the metal budged. Athrun dismissed the silent move. He was accustomed now to the silence no atmosphere provided. No sound outside of his maddening breaths which boomed a cacophony inside his helmet. The metal surged open a little more. It was enough. Athrun squeezed into the opening. Please be alive, Kira.

Freeing Kira from the harness, Athrun tugged him into his chest. Wrapping his arms around his best friend, he squeezed. He couldn't feel any sign of life. If there were breaths, they were too shallow to be seen through the suit. If there was a pulse, it lay weak beneath the fabric. No, Athrun squeezed harder, trying his best to pour his life into his friend. Not if. Athrun was sure the breaths were there, the pulse beating. Kira's heart would not allow him to fail. Damn, sentimental crybaby, but he was strong. Stronger than Athrun knew he could ever be. Athrun's heart burned strangely.

Tugging the lifeless Kira behind him, he squeezed back through to the open room. Taking a breath, Athrun tried to still the painful electricity building like clamps at his temples.

Air. That was first. As long as both cockpits were ruptured, the only air they had was the minimal back-up attached to their backs. Athrun scanned the dark room. Not even he noticed his hand gently caressing his best friend's side. Stay with me, Kira. Once he could find an emergency room, he could take Kira's helmet and suit off and tend to him. His mind didn't let him think of the or. Or, if he couldn't find a safe room, it wouldn't have mattered if Kira was savable or not, they were both dead.

Athrun threw his back again into sliding open an unresponsive mechanized door at the far wall of the room. Pulling Kira with him into the endless dark, Athrun searched desperately for signs that would lead his way. Absently, he thought of his mother. Back on Bloody Valentine. Had she survived the nuclear warheads of those damn naturals? Had she been trapped very much like this, in a world without electricity, without even the ability to breath freely?

But, finally, he ran into the end of the corridor. A red arrow pointed to the right, the words 'Escape Shelter' shaking Athrun free of any wandering thoughts. He smiled, pulling Kira in tight to his chest.

Sealing the shelter's bulkhead, Athrun scanned the blank screens along the adjacent wall. He closed his eyes, hoping beyond hope. His finger tapped the screen and it sparked to life. A fierce grin curved his lips. As his fingers danced over the technology, the lights sputtered. Then, the sweet sound of a high-pitched whine. He could hear! That meant the atmosphere pumps were at least filling the room with something. To his dismay, the screen was mostly unresponsive, meaning he couldn't tell what exactly was being pumped into the small shelter.

Ten minutes later, when the whine ceased, Athrun ran his tongue along his teeth. His hand stroked Kira's arm through the flight suit, while he waited. Tapping a knuckle on the wall, he at least got the reassurance of a soft thump reaching his ears. And there was no sound that could mean a break to vacuum.

"Well, here goes." Athrun slowly unclasped the releases of his helmet and shoved it free over his head. His midnight blue hair freed, glistening in the wavering lights. Well, his head didn't explode, that meant they were pressurized. He chuckled inwardly to himself - what a reassuring thought. Then he drew his lips apart and fought his brain to take a breath. Oxygen. A heavy sigh escaped his parted lips.

"Okay!" He smiled wider. "Your turn, Kira." He brought the helmet free, his fingers darting to Kira's carotid artery. Nothing. Athrun cringed, but quickly unzipped his suit, fishing his arm free. The now uncovered fingers shot back to his best friend's neck. And he let himself a shaky sigh of relief. It was small, but it was there.

Retrieving Kira's helmet from where it had floated away, he set the visor under Kira's nose. It fogged. Throwing the helmet away, Athrun's arms wrapped around the brunette's neck. His face only a few centimeters from Kira's he smiled thanking every bit of goodness in the world.

His eyelids drifted closed. The centimeters separating them vanished. Athrun met Kira's soft red lips, connecting them in the empty world. His eyes parted, slightly unsure of what he had just done. He hadn't thought. But it didn't matter. His heart pounded liquid fire through his veins. He brought their lips together again.

* * *

Kira's bandaged body, continued to shake uncontrollably. It was like his body was being ripped apart from within, a torn soul. Lacus stroked his arm. Tears continued to flow. The memories of his life with the single most important person to him only brought debilitating pain. The bright overwhelming explosion in his mind engulfed Athrun.

* * *

A/N: I've been writing for a while now and happened across this forum due to a friend's advice. I've found many stories here that are fantastic, and felt it may be fun to try my hand at fanfiction. This is my first fanfiction. Let me know what you think.

-Oblivion


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: The usual. I do not own any right to Gundam Seed or the characters therein. Obviously, if I did, Kira and Athrun would have been a couple. Support the great original work from Sunrise. The following is purely an act of my own literary mind drawing from the story and characters Sunrise portrays.

* * *

It had been days since Kira had woken. He said little, preferring to linger through with the ticking clock, alone, staring out quietly over the countryside. He wasn't really staring at anything – Lacus knew – at least not anything that was there. Next to Lacus, Reverend Malchio sipped the steaming hot blend of tea that had become a custom between them. She watched the destroyed boy sitting in a hard-backed lacquered white chair at the edge of the waving grass. His eyes remained empty as if the light of his soul had fled the shell. Glancing down at the teacup she had yet to touch, Lacus let out a tired sigh.

"The worst wounds are always the last to fade," Malchio took another sip, palming the table until his free hand found Lacus'. He patted it. "Even if the body returns to its former self, if the heart cannot follow, there is not a thing another can do. It is his road. He will decide one way or the other before long. That is what it means to be a bearer of the seed."

Lacus smiled faintly. The blind Reverend Malchio saw things that were beyond the world. She trusted him implicitly like a loved uncle. But it didn't take the empathy of the reverend to see Kira's wounds. His heart was shattered. Bringing the tea to her lips, she watched Kira's back. It was something only time could mend, and even then, uncertainly. Glancing up to the storm clouds darkening the sky, she wondered if they – any of them – had the time left that they needed.

Through the sky, beyond the clouds, and beyond the physical, Kira watched the ghost stories in his mind take form. The specters moved ethereal. He saw Commander Waltfeld there. His voice resonated in Kira's mind. "When does it end? When every last one of your enemies is dead?" He brought a plain chipped coffee cup to his mouth, his eyes holding a serious and pained tint. Kira dimly recalled the term Waltfeld had used when describing Kira's behavior, 'berserker'. He felt like that now. Though, the clarity was gone. Every time he had slid into that empty state he could feel the blanketing calm that surrounded him. Kira was empty now, but it wasn't clarity that surrounded him. Oppression, snuffed him out like a candle in a downpour, aware of his state, but could do nothing to move past it.

Next to Waltfeld, Tolle smiled brightly. He laughed in his ever-happy way. "Cheer up, Kira. It's not your fault. Guess, I shoulda listened to Mu better, huh?" His laughing echoed inside Kira's hollow skull. Tolle shrugged. "Nothing I can do about it now, no point in worrying over it."

Kira tried to move. He tried to jump and run from those specters, but his body wouldn't listen. He tried to breath. But he couldn't feel the air in his lungs. Closing his eyes, he saw the worst specter of all. Sleek blue hair, piercing emerald eyes. Athrun cocked an eyebrow. "I couldn't help it. I love you, Kira." He shook his head, almost amused with himself. "No matter what happens, remember that. 'Kay?" His eyes sparkled brightly.

Kira's chest collapsed. He drifted.

* * *

"Kira? Kira?"

"Wha-?"

Laughter pounded into his head causing him to wince. His eyelids barely parted. Lights shuttered around an angel, his blue hair in utter contrast with the red suit clad to his body. "Ath-ru-?" Kira croaked, tasting hot iron drip down his throat.

Athrun sat back on the bed, his leg crossed underneath him. His lips were bent in a permanent smile. Never had he been so relieved. He rubbed Kira's thigh. It was then that his mind finally registered the exhaustion of his body. With the worry gone, the physical pain surfaced, hitting him, a full-speed runaway train. Though he fought for all he was worth, his eyelids crashed. Dropping next to Kira, he lost the battle with his fatigue.

The next time Kira woke, he smiled warmly. Athrun's arm was draped over his chest. Warm breaths tickled the side of his neck. It was a warmth Kira had never felt. His entire body burned a peaceful requiem, surrounded by Athrun. A shroud of coconut and pine draped around him, baptizing him in Athrun's scent. His fingers trailed over his lips. Athrun had kissed him. He wasn't sure how he knew, but while he was unconscious he could feel Athrun. Kira could feel him in a way he never had. It was beyond what he ever considered possible, but it didn't matter. His heart thudded in his chest. He was alive.

Ever so slowly – as to not wake the blue-haired demon who had captured his heart so long ago – Kira shifted on the bed, rolling over to stare into Athrun's peaceful sleeping face. Their noses almost touching, Kira slid his hand up his best friend's side until he wrapped it over his shoulder.

How did he get here? For so long he dreamed of being in these arms, being in a bed with this boy. The corner of Kira's mouth bent as he recalled all those times he would just look up to the stars wishing that one of them would carry Athrun back to him. It was three years after moving to Heliopolis, Kira knew, that those feelings were not merely just the longing of a friend, but so much more. And Athrun had kissed him. He felt the same. Kira was sure.

Kira tried his best to shove the rest out of his mind. All that had come between them. The war, the gundams, friends. They were enemies. But, for right now, it was nothing but them. The two of them in the solace of their own little oblivion. The world outside, it was gone. Frozen. All of the chaos of the human race, the expectations, they could wait.

Athrun woke to find to deep purple amethysts gazing into him. It was like waking only to be thrown head first into a deep pool drawing him with ripping currents. "Ki-" Kira's lips crashed onto his. Athrun's eyes shot wide, but as the fire coursing through Kira's body spread to him, his eyes drooped back to half-mast. They pushed and pulled at one another, both trying to force their bodies further together. A bump from Kira's tongue at his lips begged entrance. Who was he to deny?

The tongue slipped in and wrapped around his. Athrun dove back in a counter-attack, only to be overwhelmed by the taste of rich mulled apple cider permeating Kira's mouth. His brain fell into a haze.

Finally, the basic need for air broke the two boys apart. Kira drew quick ragged breaths. Only then did he truly understand the phrase, 'taking someone's breath away.' He grinned a feral grin, staring deep into the shining green eyes of the demon in front of him.

Athrun gasped for air, bringing his hand up to his chest, trying to stop its thundering cadence. "What was that!?"

The wild grin spreading Kira's lips grew wider. "Punishment."

Athrun blinked. His face fell blank. "Punishment?"

With a quick decisive nod, Kira confirmed it. "How dare you take away my first kiss while I'm knocked out! It doesn't count." He jabbed his finger at his friend's chest. "That one did."

The blue-haired boy's cheeks shot through a burning pink. "You knew I . . . when you were unconscious . . ."

"I felt it." Kira's head tilted, his beautiful chestnut hair falling past his gem-like eyes. "I wanted it for so long . . . I guess my body wouldn't let me miss it." He smiled like a little kid, cupping Athrun's face in his palm. "I'm glad I didn't."

The blood rushed to the tips of his ears. "I-" he tried, but couldn't get out any words. His eyes dropped to the bed. "I'm glad you are alright."

"I'm not alright."

The frown was immediate, dropping with his heart.

"I'm better than alright!"

His palm shot to his face. "God, you're still such a dork!" Athrun's laughter boomed, echoing off the close walls of the emergency shelter. Kira's laughter melded with his.

* * *

Kira's eyes cracked open with the downpour falling around him. It struck the umbrella overhead with a million miniscule fists, only to shed in a waterfall along its rim. Kira stared dispassionately at the wall of water separating him from the artificial PLANT world. When had that umbrella gotten there? Lacus.

He sighed, the pain in his chest crippling him. Kira's hand clawed over his heart. This was what it meant for a heart to break. He doubled over in his chair. It wasn't the poetic line artists and writers have always claimed it to be. It was debilitating. Deep inside, his entire being was unsteady. The foundation his whole life stood upon had shattered. What was left?

* * *

"So it was a solar flare."

Kira brought his hand up to scratch his head only to find the hard edge of his helmet. "Only thing I can figure. If it wasn't a new ZAFT EMP device . . ."

Athrun shook his head, crossing his arms over his chest. "No."

Palms up to the ceiling, Kira shrugged. "Then solar flare it is. With all the damage you caused here, the EM shielding was stripped away."

"Damage I caused!? Idiot! Do you see what you did to the Aegis?"

With a smirk, Kira spoke into his helmet's COM as he pulled back a metal panel in the interior of the Strike's cockpit. "Not my fault you've got the reaction time of a dead cat."

"Big talk." Athrun smiled to himself inside of the Aegis' cockpit. Kira was feistier than he'd ever seen him. How many sides of Kira had he not even witnessed yet? He wanted to see them all. His smile froze. "Kira," Athrun said softly, dreading his thoughts.

"What's – ahhh – up?"

Athrun could feel Kira over-exerting himself in tearing apart the Strike over the COM. He paused, staring dispassionately at the damaged controls of the Aegis. He mumbled, "what'll happen when we get out of here?"

"Hey! I've got a feed here. The semi-phased capacitor should still have enough juice to get this emergency signal generator from the escape shelter running. One sec."

Was Kira ignoring him? He grumbled, sidling out of the Aegis again.

"Ha! Yes, got it working!"

Damn, stupid, idiot genius. Athrun slid his tongue through his teeth.

"Athrun?"

"Good job, Kira. I'm going back."

When the bulkhead sealed, Athrun turned to find Kira taking off his helmet. He was expecting that idiot to have a happy grin on his face. He fell back a step when he saw the tears wavering in those deep purple eyes.

"Athrun, I don't want to think about when they get here, okay? I don't want to think about going back to a world where you are my enemy. I just want to be with you forever . . . but I know we can't do that." He whipped his head back and forth, squeezing his eyes shut as his hands fisted at his sides. "So, please don't make me think about it!" His head hung, tears floated in spherical drops around his quivering face.

Throwing his arms around Kira, Athrun pulled them together squeezing their souls into one. Maybe there were other sides of Kira, but this was the Kira he knew. Sentimental crybaby. Athrun dropped his head onto Kira's shoulder. His own shoulders shook as he cried. "Okay," Athrun managed in between sobs, "it's just this, right here, right now. Nothing else."

It took three days from when Kira had gotten the emergency beacon working for their rescue to come. But when they did, neither boy saw them that way. Those three days, the boys spent almost exclusively in each other's arms. They shared every piece of themselves, filling the other in on all the years they spent apart, from Kira's work at the university in Heliopolis to Athrun's enlistment into ZAFT. When the words ran dry, they just sat in silence on the bed, not wanting to let the love they had found slip between their fingers.

Athrun sighed, grabbing Kira tighter when the transmission buzzed through. The Archangel was just outside the colony. Then the second COM line connected, carrying Rau Le Creuset's deep whimsical voice. The Vesalius.

Their worlds were divided by those two ships.

Kira took in a deep breath, drawing deep the comforting scent of coconut and crushed fresh pine.

Athrun pulled back, ringing his thumb and forefinger under Kira's chin. Tilting his face up, Athrun brought them together. Their hearts entwined as their lips met. Both boys drew apart, an understanding mask upon both their faces.

They sat cross-legged on the bed, hand in hand and nodded.

Kira was the first to stand, separating them once again. His thumbs traced lines along his Earth Forces helmet. Staring at his face in the reflection on the faceplate, Kira smiled despite himself. "Why did you kiss me while I was unconscious?"

Behind him, Athrun sat with his elbows on his knees and laughed. Kira turned to look at him one more time. His head tilted to the side, an eyebrow raised. "I couldn't help it. I love you, Kira." He shook his head, almost amused with himself. "No matter what happens, remember that. 'Kay?"

Kira's heart melted. His helmet locked onto his flight suit with a metallic click. "You too," he mumbled behind the wall of the helmet. His voice didn't carry outside of the visor. With his heart in his throat, he turned his back on his love.

* * *

Through the rain, Kira wandered around the Clynes' villa. Drenched to the bone, Kira sighed. It would have been easier if the flame on his wick had extinguished in the rain. It endured. His breath steamed small clouds in the chilled air. Burying his hands deep in his pockets, he meandered along with the weeping sky.

Two weeks later, Kira's body had completely healed. Yet, he still was locked inside himself. Lacus Clyne watched him standing still at the edge of the deck from behind a large crystalline arched window of the house. Chairman Siegel Clyne walked up silently next to his daughter, following her gaze to the brown-haired boy.

"He can't stay like this," Lacus sighed.

"You care for him."

"Of course," Lacus shook her head, "but it doesn't matter. His heart belongs to another. I just wish I had the power to set him free from himself."

The chairman nodded, fishing into his pocket. He held a data screen in his palm. "These are the MS's activation codes. Give him the freedom you can. And trust in him that he will move forward with it."

* * *

A/N: In all honesty, I find the relationship in the series between Kira and Lacus awesome. They quite perfectly suit each other. So, I can't leave her out of this story. Plus she's a good supporting character. Here's my question for you next. If your love were in love with another would you guide them together or drive a wedge between them? Guess we'll see what Lacus will decide in the next installment – though it shouldn't be hard to figure out what she's going to do. Hope I don't bore you! I'd much rather tell the story I want to even if it means it's predictable at points. Haha.

Also, I wanted to say that I appreciate the review. This style seemed to be the most fun I could imagine when thinking of how to write this story. I rather like the sudden jumps back and forth between the present and the tied past weighing on Kira. If anyone has ever gone through heartbreak, you know that the memories come in fits and starts – especially when you don't want them to – taking you suddenly into the past. Hopefully it's not too confusing and you can follow me along in this tumultuous life we live. See ya next time.

Until then, be good kids.

-Oblivion


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: The usual. I do not own any right to Gundam Seed or the characters therein. Obviously, if I did, Kira and Athrun would have been a couple. Support the great original work from Sunrise. The following is purely an act of my own literary mind drawing from the story and characters Sunrise portrays.

* * *

It was with an ever-contradicting mixture of thoughts that Kira looked upon the Freedom. Another Gundam. Another machine whose sole purpose was the destruction of lives - an angel of death in the skin of cool metals. And yet, it was a key. A salvation, with which Kira could save his friends. No, he would never kill again. He would merge with that Gundam, become a tool of death again, but would ever strive to counter-pode that design and destiny. No, he would not follow the tides of the human race again. He would swim against the current, even if he was alone. "Thank you."

Lacus wrapped Kira in her arms, a pink fan of hair splaying out a curtain around them. She pulled back, cupping the boy's face in her palms. Weeks had passed since he was brought to the PLANTS yet his eyes remained hollow. She feigned a smile. "Take care of yourself, Kira. Remember that people will be hurt if you die. Protect them and protect yourself."

A slight inclination of his head was his only reply. Eyes closed and somber, he donned the blood red helmet of the ZAFT combat flight suit. Tapping in the activation codes with the on-board keyboard, the main screens reverberated. A single word flashed across the white canvas. "Freedom, huh?" Kira mumbled quietly as his hands worked. The freedom cast off its tethers to the PLANT world. On the side screen he saw Lacus just before the sliding door of the hangar slid shut. Without another look back, the air around the Freedom ignited and he shot out of the military base, an arrow released from a taut bowstring.

Back on Earth, the world had only seemed to worsen. The cyclop system underneath the Earth Forces Alaska HQ had decimated those caught in its indiscriminating reaper's clutch. Before it all, his stomach would have turned at the senseless slaughter, but as he was then, he only stared dispassionately. Damn them all.

His friends had welcomed him with wide enveloping arms and tear-ladened eyes. He tried to smile at their embrace, though doubted if it portrayed that fake emotion of happiness. As soon as he could, Kira had separated himself from all of them. He chose instead to sit alone in his old room aboard the Archangel. The Freedom was safe under a cyclic fractal lock in the Archangel's belly.

In his hands, Birdy cocked its mechanized head up at the destroyed boy. With a flap of its wings, it landed on his shoulder, nuzzling his cheek. Birdy . . . Kira's eyes soft and blank saw nothing but that bird. A gift from Athrun. It was, Kira knew, the only link that remained between him and his love. Drawing his knees to his chest, he collapsed on his side, holding Birdy with a gentle touch. Nothing could be more precious, and he would protect it from anything to come. As long as Birdy was beside him, Kira could at least find the solace that small comfort in bond allowed.

On the bridge of the Archangel, Mu La Flaga raked his fingers through his hair, letting out a deep breath. "Well, captain, where do we go from here?" He gave her a knowing smile. They had survived. They would endure.

Captain Murrue Ramius just shook her head, not even attempting to hide the relief of having Mu back. She had lost that one special man before, but this one had come back, crashing, quite literally, back into her life. He was a man like no other. Mu - she smiled inwardly - was truly a man who could make the impossible possible. "We will make for Orb."

Not a word was spoken of what it meant. Deserting the Earth Forces, treason. All of them on the bridge had the thought, but none found voice. They were the ones deserted, the ones betrayed by the very world they had sworn on their lives to protect. With the course set, the captain left the bridge to the con and made for the door.

Mu trapped her there, just off the bridge. She grabbed his forearm. "Why did you come back?"

"Oh yeah," he grinned to the side slyly, "that reminds me." Tucking a finger under her chin, she titled her face to his and brought their lips together in a mixture of love and the need to protect.

She patted his cheek, "good reason."

Winking, he responded with a small chuckle, "the best."

They walked together through the Archangel, walking, but not really moving. Finally some time into it, Mu sighed heavily, dropping his sight to the ground. "The kid's changed."

"Yes," came Murrue's only reply. The joy she had felt from seeing the boy she had been forced to abandon as MIA was bittersweet. When he pulled off the ZAFT helmet to reveal those empty eyes, Murrue felt her heart sink. Those eyes were her fault. If only she hadn't involved those children in the entire ordeal. Though - she resigned - none of them would be alive if it wasn't for that quiet boy. He had saved them, but it had cost him dearly. "I'll talk with him," she said finally.

So it was that two hours later, Kira found himself in the captain's quarters. Never had he been in this intimate setting of the captain's, yet Kira did not take in the barest of details of the room. He stood rigidly next to a small coffee table, Murrue Ramius choosing to sit at the edge of her billowy sheeted bed. She cradled a steaming cup of Earl Grey in her palms. The tea, she found, had more emotion in its swirling brown core than the blank lavender eyes of the sixteen year old boy in front of her. Kira Yamato. The boy had been nothing but emotion the entire time she had known him.

She knew the type and she respected it beyond what words could portray. As captain, she was thrown into a role where emotions had to be ever under a lock and key, her face stoic among her constituents. Kira was the opposite through their struggle. His heart was on the surface. In a way, she envied his ability to cry and surrender to the eddies in the ocean of feeling.

But now, he was more statuesque than she herself had ever managed. And yet, just below that cold armor he wore, Murrue caught glimpses of the heart-squeezing pain wracking havoc on the boy's body and soul.

"Captain, if you have nothing to say, I have things to attend to."

Taking a sip of the tea, she pursed her lips past a scalded tongue. Letting out a thin-lipped sigh, she rubbed circles along the tea mug with her thumbs. "I wanted to talk to you about Athrun."

Immediately, Kira jolted. His fists clenched. His brow hardened over those hollow eyes.

She let out another sigh, fishing inside her shirt for the necklace chained around her life. Flicking open the clasp, she glanced down at the smiling face of the man that had taken her heart with him when he died years ago. Only now, with Mu, was she finally starting to feel the pulse beneath her skin again. "I know what its like to lose someone so precious to you."

Kira just stared, his empty eyes looking through Murrue. "I know it doesn't feel like it - believe me - but it really helps to talk about him. I'm right here, Kira. Tell me about him."

Kira cringed. "I'd rather not."

"It's the best thing you can do for yourself, Kira. You don't have to hide anything." Her eyes dropped back down to that smiling picture. "I know your pain."

"With all due respect, Captain, you have no idea how I'm feeling."

The sudden venom lining his voice startled her into raising her sight to the boy. In the lavender blank canvas, she saw a dark flash. Like a lightning bolt of pure blackness, it crashed across the window into his soul.

"No clue," Kira repeated shaking his head slightly.

"Kira, you are not alone. There are many on this ship who have lost the one they loved. Even Miriallia lost her Tolle. We are together in this grief."

"No!" Kira barked. "I am alone!" The rage boiled in his eyes and for the first time in his life, he hated the captain. Before that moment, it was only ever irritation and yet respect. But this was full-fledged hatred. "No one could possibly understand how much I hurt!" Jabbing a finger at the locket in her hand, he sneered, "you lost him. He died and he's not coming back."

The captain felt like retreating in that moment from the teenage boy. But, she held her ground, spine straightening and let the boy spill what he needed to.

Kira grabbed at his chest feeling the sharp knife wedging between his lungs. It burned. "I loved him! More than anyone in this universe! And I killed him! How would you feel? How would you feel, if the reason that man was gone was because you yourself killed him? It's your fault that you will never get to see him ever again! And it's your fault that the one person you'd never, ever, want to hurt is dead! Don't you dare presume to tell me you understand. No one does." He spun on his heel. Just before the door slid shut behind him, he lowered his head, shoulders shaking. "And I hope no one else ever will."

Heart in his throat, Kira stomped down the corridors of the Archangel. He past crew members and old friends. All were gone to him. He was trapped again in nothingness and this time there was no Athrun. He was alone. And there was no one who could rescue him. Throwing himself backwards into the Freedom's seat, Kira closed the cockpit wall, sitting in the darkness. The tears trailed down his face. His fingers clawed over his eyes. And for the first time since he had woken in the PLANTS, he screamed.

* * *

Athrun Zala tugged at the sling holding his injured arm bent to his chest. He glanced down at the gun at his side and wondered for the first time in his life if it wouldn't be easier to just turn that barrel on himself. Even in the depths of despair in the wake of his mother's murder, he had never given audience to such dark thoughts. But now, Kira was gone. He stared at his palm, clenching it into his fist. That hand that had programmed the self-destruction of the Aegis. That hand had killed his best friend - no, Athrun shook his head - the love of his life.

He couldn't hide the fact that he loved that man after their fateful encounter in space. But even so, Athrun tried his best to ignore the true depths of the hold that purple eyed boy had on his heart. Now, there was no denying it. Kira reigned without opposition over that heart. It was his.

Athrun clenched his teeth. Shaking his head rapidly, he forced himself to focus on the entrance to the old theatre. He did what he had to do as a soldier. And he would continue to do so. That was the only thing left that gave his life meaning. Tugging the gun free from his belt, Athrun slid into the theatre and down the empty isle splitting a ghostly audience.

Off of one foot, he jump onto the stage. Lacus Clyne sang softly, chillingly. Athrun's jaw clenched as he stared at the pink haired songstress. Shells of gold gleamed along her bangs. In her palms, Mr. Pink stared at him with with its pin-hole eyes. He jumped from her hands, bouncing happily in a circular dance and Athrun. The melody's outro faded into the quiet of the empty theatre as she opened her eyes to greet her ex-fiance with a warm smile.

"Hello, Athrun."

Shaking his head in disgust of himself the pistol in his hand raised to her. "Tell me that it's not true - what they said - tell me you didn't betray your people."

With a small laugh, she mater-of-factly replied, "I didn't betray anyone. I only helped Kira with what I could."

Athrun cringed, "Kira's dead!" His eyes shot to the floor, forcing back the shaking that crawled over his skin and unsettled his bones. "I killed him."

"Yes, I know." When Athrun looked up at her in surprise, Lacus saw the tears shimmering in those green eyes. She smiled. "Kira told me about how you fought and how you tried to kill each other. That was the little he managed to say while he was here." She paused, letting out a small breath. "He's not in good shape, Athrun."

Lacus patted her palms together. Mr. Pink, seeing the signal, leaped with joy back into Lacus' palms.

The hurried scuffle of boots carried across the empty theatre. Athrun, barely cognizant of the world around him, turned to find his fellow soldiers. ZAFT soldiers trained their rifles on the pink-haired innocent girl. It took him several seconds to register what they were to do, his mind reeling with only one thing: Kira.

He wasn't sure what happened next, but the ZAFT soldiers crumbled with the subtle whoofs of silenced weapons. Like ghosts among the fallen, ten men and women in solemn black suits rose from the empty theatre seating. The young man with short cropped military set nodded to Lacus. "We have to get going, Ms. Lacus."

With a look at the now dead coordinators, Lacus committed each face to memory. She would remember them. She nodded back in silent agreement. Though before she moved, her gaze switched back to Athrun, frozen and in a strange daze. "He needs you, Athrun. More than anything. And you need him," she added as she walked past him. With one glance back at the blue haired boy, disbelief was plain on his face. She saw the moment he registered that Kira wasn't gone. She smiled, turning her back to him. They would be fine.


End file.
